Random blather

So many things have been going on since I last posted! Where do I even start?!

The end of the summer came and went, Bruno and I went to Europe for a couple weeks for a big visit to Belgium to meet his family and friends, and then DrupalCon London. DrupalCon went by quickly with Bruno and a few of the other Affinity Bridgers there.

The time in Belgium was wonderful... Bruno's friends and family are absolutely lovely people. Hopefully the first of many visits there. Bruno will be going back in February for a couple weeks, but I'm planning to stay in Vancouver since he's got to deal with a bunch of practicalities from moving and will be working while he's there too. 

Shortly after we got back, Bruno landed a job in Vancouver, yay!!! This also meant that he got approved for a one year work visa, double yay! Hopefully that will help bridge the gap to when we're common law and can try for his permanent residence.

My lovely cousin Colleen came up for a visit in October - it'd been a couple years since I'd seen her last, so we had a lot of bonding to do. It's nice to be a bit closer geographically now, so that we can have little visits! The following weekend was the PNW Drupal Summit in Portland - most of the Affinity crew traveled south for it, as well as Bruno and I. As always, it was a great weekend full of visiting and learning.

Aside from all the travels and conferences, we've had some time to explore the city over the summer and fall... I think Bruno's really getting himself oriented now, and figuring out what his favourite spots are.

Fall is also bringing some calm and I've been getting back into crafting! I sewed an awesome bag, and have been knitting a lot again. 

Finally, I celebrated my 31st birthday about a week ago! I got nifty new mitts from my mom, terrariums from Bruno, and had a nice lunch with friends in Gastown.

All in all, things are good - I've been making more time for myself and feeling much less burnt out. I'm hoping for a winter full of self-care, creativity, and lovely people... want to join me?

So, what have I been up to the last couple months? You know how it goes... Drupal, work, Drupal, work... and then Bruno arriving here to stay for the entire summer!

He arrived just over a month ago and will be here until August when we go visit his family in Belgium and then go to Drupalcon in London. The plan after that is that he'll be coming back to Vancouver again, and then we've got a window of about six weeks to hopefully figure out something more long-term, ie. getting a work visa or extending his visit if that's possible.

It's been a loooong time since I've lived with a boyfriend, but it has been going remarkably well! We'd talked a lot about our living habits before he came back here in April, and I had good feeling about it - and it's proved to be a very easy transition (maybe aside from his being far more of a morning person, but really most people don't need to sleep as much as me, so that's to be expected - plus he's stealth quiet!)

We've managed to have some good getting to know Vancouver time (despite me feeling so-so, up and down) - Drupal meetups, coworking, swimming, farmers markets, and even hosted our first Drupal Hackternoon! My parents were supposed to come out to visit and meet him last week but ended up having to postpone, so hopefully that will be in the cards sometime in the summer. And we had a brief visit with my friend Evan who came to visit from Saskatoon - he and I grew up next door to each other, basically our whole lives until finishing highschool. It was his first trip to Vancouver - he was here for a bachelor's party, and flew out a day early to visit!

Aside from planning a few little trips here and there through the summer, we'll be continuing to get settled into living together and generally enjoying finally being together after so many months of skyping and emailing and two week visits! 

Nothing is forever.

"Impermanence is one of the essential doctrines or three marks of existence in Buddhism. The term expresses the Buddhist notion that all of conditioned existence, without exception, is in a constant state of flux... human life embodies this flux in the aging process, the cycle of birth and rebirth, and in any experience of loss... because conditioned phenomena are impermanent, attachment to them becomes the cause for future suffering... The contemplation of impermanence refers to seeing conditioned phenomena arising and passing away while observing their individual characteristics." [Wikipedia]

I've been struggling so long with learning how to accept things. Accept my imperfections and limitations. Accept plans that don't go right. Accept other peoples' decisions. Accept challenges. Accept loss.

I think this was always so hard because I wasn't sure what I had without these struggles, these plans, this health, this body, losses in my life.

But when it comes down to it, it's obvious that nothing is certain. Nothing lasts forever. Something or someone you can depend on one day can be pulled out from under your feet the next. Sometimes a whole bunch at once. It's hard to master that magic trick where the tablecloth gets yanked out from under this careful arrangement you've worked on, without much more than a jostle.

I've been working on something new. Instead of accepting and letting go and accepting and letting go... just making peace with the constant of impermanence. Practicing the belief that I can cope with any change or loss that I'm faced with, at least with the support of whoever is willing and able to give it. (I'm sure something will come along to totally challenge this sentiment, but it's what I'm working with right now.)

The last few months have held some of the best moments and successes I've had in a long time. There have also been some losses and changes that I've been confronted with. And they're no easier to deal with than any previous ones, but I am definitely dealing with them differently.

Having faith in myself, and in the rest of the universe to balance out, to keep moving on as it does is serving me well. I no longer feel I have to justify myself infinitely, defend myself against judgment, or waste my energy on battles I don't feel I should have to fight. I'm okay with myself and my world, and whoever or whatever has intentions on being a part of it.

On the cusp of a new adventure, I've had some people warn me not to move too fast. Not to get ahead of myself. I know that these warnings are signs of other histories, and gladly, of care for my wellbeing. But something deep inside me tells me that all I need to do is trust myself, trust my gut, and act accordingly. Trust that if I hold back, the possibilities are limited, and if I don't, then they are infinite.

Time and feelings are all relative. Something you've known for years can be an illusion. Something you've known for days can be the most real thing you know.

Nothing is certain. Nothing is forever. But every loss opens up space for some new thing, however (im)permanent it may be. And amazing things can happen if you are open to them. 

I've got some better things to accept now. That I'm here. That I'm okay. That I can adapt. That I'm happy. That I'm loved...

It took so long to get here, but it sure does feel good. (And of course, if I've learned anything, that feeling will be impermanent too...) ;)

 [Update: Closed to comments because of evil spammers, sorry!]

The weeks (months) leading up to the Christmas holidays continued to be really busy. We'd been really cramming at work, and I was also doing a lot of Drupal work (we had a big Documentation meeting/sprint weekend the weekend before holidays that people flew in for, and it's also been a big push getting the Drupal 7 docs done for its release which is coming up this week). I was definitely running on fumes. Thankfully we'd made the wise decision early on to shut down entirely at work for two weeks over the holidays, so we could all take a proper, well-deserved break. I went back to Saskatoon for a full week and a half, to have Christmas with my parents, and basically just do what Frankie says (ie. relax).

Decorating the tree with my mom

This year, fake tree... we made the most of it though!

It was a really nice visit, full of sitting by the fireplace, patting my parents' dog Jake, and of course, some Drupal docs... I also was lucky enough to have lunch with Kirsti and Mike (boy, do I miss those two!), and also see some other family friends. Kept it very low key though, and didn't have any big dinners or anything.

Me and Kirsti!

Me and Mike!

I also finally replaced my little point and shoot camera that was stolen when I left my backpack on a train in Berlin, which means (for better or worse) the return of self portraits! 

Saskatoon, first thing in the morning in the sunbeam coming through the curtains

When I got back to Vancouver (with great timing, as I left right after the temperature suddenly dropped to -30C with the windchill on the prairies), I set to a big end of year clean up and purge of extra clothes, etc. Everything is in good shape other than the extra bedroom, which I am planning to get a bed for, so my parents and other visitors have an actual room to stay in rather than the loft (which has a futon, but is really bright in the mornings).

This place finally feels like home, it's really nice to be back. Sitting by the fireplace, listening to copious amounts of CBC radio one, and having friends stop by. Ahhh, not much else a girl could ask for. Except for maybe a special visitor to turn up in about a week and a half...

First day of 2011

What does this year hold for me? Like last year, definitely a lot of Drupal and making more awesome at work. A trip to Chicago in the spring. I'd like to spend a lot more time with friends, and on creative endeavours and self-care, which have been terribly neglected of late. Hopefully continuing to improve and stabilize healthwise and gain some more weight. Hopefully something really special... I can't wait to see where this year takes me!

Things have been go-go-go since coming back from Europe at the start of September. It is finally catching up to me. I am feeling tired and burnt out these days. This sucks, because there are a lot of good things going on, and I'm not sure I'm enjoying them as much as I could be.

On the bright side, it's four more weeks until I get two glorious weeks off! During this time, I plan to retreat to the frigid flatlands for a while, to sit by the fire with the dog curled up next to me, and read and work on Drupal Docs. Ahhh, bliss.

One of the good things that was to come during year 30 happened right off the bat last week. I was appointed Drupal Documentation Co-Lead! The same day as that news was announced, my "Contributor Spotlight" also went up on Drupal.org. It was such a wonderful thing to have all my work recognized (since it's usually fairly solitary work), and feel so much support from the rest of the community.

I have lots of ideas and hopes and plans for the docs. Just need to set aside some time and energy for it. There are a bunch of core members of the Docs Team coming to Vancouver from all over North America in December for a big planning and review session, and then an all day sprint. It will be great seeing everyone, and hopefully re-energizing as well.

Other things that are good, in no particular order:

1. Started reading Generation X by Douglas Coupland, and I quite like it so far.
2. In-suite laundry, bless it.
3. Snow in Vancouver.
4. Sappy movies.
5. Warm slippers.
6. That secret that we know.
7. Smath gives good hugs.
8. The Home Hardware on Commercial (seriously, I love this place).
9. The steamer my mom bought when they were out, because I refused to go get one. It is making a dent in saving my lungs. (Radiant heating is incredibly drying, who knew.)
10. Surprise phone calls from cousins.
11. Ridiculously long Skype calls on lazy weekend days.
12. Fantastic Drupalchix tagteam that brought me surprise coconut milk yogurt from the US yesterday (thank you!) <3

Big decisions are still a struggle for me. I've become a competent and fairly confident decision maker in my work life. But decisions to do with my personal life have long been something I have had a difficult time with.

When I was growing up, I was often told that I was making bad or risky decisions. My young mind did not yet know to interpret this as a mere opinion, and set to agonizing over every decision large or small. I spent most of my life doubting my instincts and experiences as being reliable in guiding my judgement. It was only when I was in grad school, having anxiety attacks, and feeling pretty miserable about life that I first went to counseling, and through it found some perspective on this.

This is not to say that I've been fully cured of my decision-making struggles, but I can say that I have a lot more faith in my ability to make decisions that are solid and well thought out, and that I can deal with the consequences of any decisions that aren't great ones. 

Despite getting over this hurdle for the most part, which has helped me take charge of my course in life, and feel empowered, I still struggle with the really big decisions. The kind that will have a huge and lasting impact on my life and my well being.

A few weeks back, faced with having to make a big decision (whether to take the plunge and rent a new place in East Van that I'd looked at) in a short amount of time (overnight), I felt my old big decision paralysis coming back. 

Out of curiosity, I Googled "How to make a big decision" to see what wisdoms the internets had to offer.

Left Brain Decision Making

The first useful hit was a post on Lifehacker "Geek to Live: Four ways to make a big decision". Lists and weighted grids abounded:

The PMI (Plus/Minus/Implication) method includes weights for pros and cons and adds an implications column. A possible implication counts as an interesting point to consider, ie, if I get this particularly vocal dog who I love anyway, she might bark all night and keep me awake.

I worked through a pro and con list about the place I had been offered. I stared at it. It was clearly middle ground. The weighted tables in the post made my brain hurt. This was clearly not helping me feel less cornered and panicked about the task at hand. I moved along.

Right brain decision making.

I came upon a video interview with Stephen Fry on the topic. If the Lifehacker article was totally focused on a left brain analogy, his approach was its antithesis:

I would always say...I think feelings always have primacy... So, it's really that problem I've mentioned before, and one that you run up against all the time in life...identifying your own feelings. It's so odd, you'd think you'd be able to more easily [identify what you feel] than identify what you know...what am I really feeling?

Ok, this was helping me get somewhere. Because, of course, my evaluation of the decision was blatantly irrational (despite my thinking I was being so pragmatic about it). I was worried about the cost, not because I couldn't afford it, but because I felt some mixture of guilt/not deserving it/not wanting to appear spoiled/not being grown up enough to have a real, grown-up home. And I was worried about it being too much for just one person.

Well what the fuck is that about?! Like it or not, I am (kinda?) a grown up, and there's no real reason I shouldn't live in a grown up place with functioning appliances, space and storage, and quiet surroundings. It was in the area I wanted, it fit nearly all my criteria (far more than any of the other places I'd looked at). Why would I even considering not taking a place because I thought it was too nice?

Good enough doesn't equal best choice

After reading through this post from the Association for Psychological Science's "We're Only Human" blog I found it started making more sense. To my equal pleasure and dismay, one of my favourite concepts from human geography was playing itself out right in front of me. I am a satisficer at heart. (More about satisficers vs. maximizers on the Happiness Project site.) It's the reason why I never get rid of appliances or technological gadgets till they actually die beyond any hope of salvation, and the reason why I am fine with less than I ideally want or am able to have. There are good and bad points to either side of the spectrum, but this definitely shed some light on that one. Having been living the student life for many years, I was so used to just having whatever was good enough, that considering having more than that felt very awkward. That was about as far down the road of investigating how my feelings were interfering as I wanted to go, but that didn't really answer the question of whether I actually ought to take this specific place.

Practical advice that respects feelings and logic

Finally, I found three fantastic posts on a blog (that is actually full of inspiring posts, but sadly seems to be no longer actively written). The first post is about visualizing the outcome of the decision, which sounds a little cheesy and obvious, but was actually challenging for me. It helped me investigate more of the "feeling" side of how the decision might play out, and trust my gut. In my imagination, visualizing living in this new place felt exciting but also peaceful, and more supportive of my needs (having things like a dishwasher and insuite laundry, space to accommodate visitors, and being nearby to good friends as well as shops and transit). But imagining it also felt... a bit empty, as the place is pretty spacious, and I might feel a bit lonely being there all by myself. 

Having lived alone several times, and currently for almost 3.5 years in this place, I am very used to being on my own so this was strange to me. I haven't really wanted to go back to living with roommates because let's face it, I like my own space, messy and/or loud people annoy me, I don't want just anyone sharing my home. So I thought about options here. After a few calls and skype chats, I had myself set up with part time roommates (good friends who live in the city part time) and some additional houseguests (of the parental variety) that will hopefully come fill up my new home for some months of the year. Best of both worlds.

Reading the final two posts on the Gimme Bliss site clinched it. The 2nd on living with your decisions and even moreso, the 3rd on committing to a decision were eye opening for me. Sure, I agonize before making a decision, but like the author's friend in the 3rd post, I tend to keep agonizing over whether I've made the best decision long into the future. All that does is cause unnecessary stress, as unless I'm actually going to go back on the decision, there's nothing to be done about it! So, I resolved to commit to this decision whichever way it went, and use it as practice for committing wholeheartedly to future decisions as well. When it came down to it, there was no right or wrong decision, just a choice I needed to commit to:

You might think...that to really commit to a big decision that you'd have to be 100 percent sure, or at least more than 90 percent certain. Ironically, I don't think certainty plays into whether a decision will stick or not.

As with so many of the most important things about this human existence, making a decision that works comes down to faith.

So many people, it seems to me, lack this ability. And I'm not talking about the ability to believe in a higher power, either. I mean the ability to put aside hesitancy and simply leap. To believe whole-heartedly that this is your path that you've chosen and you're gonna stick with it.

Then because I wasn't about to totally change something so ingrained in a matter of a few hours, I slept on it, just to be sure. 

The verdict

The next morning, I woke up and I knew. This place was more than I'd hoped for, and this was not a bad thing! The neighbourhood I was hoping for, lots of space, a dishwasher!!!!!!, and I could get the move over and done with before the end of the summer (and before I was driven crazy by the next phase of construction in my building, which involves lots of concrete drilling). That afternoon, I signed the lease. 

It will be tough saying goodbye to the West End and the ocean view I have grown to love, but this place has served me well through a really big transition in my life, and I am ready for the next chapter and a (quite literal) change of scenery. Whatever adventures come with my move, I'll do my best to embrace the change with conviction.