Submitted by arianek on Wed, 08/26/2009 - 20:49 –
19 comments
Tags:
No, not my doorbell and when you're gonna ring it. I've been thinking about forgiveness. I've been told that I forgive people too easily. Usually it's not really framed as a compliment, but more surprise or questioned. And it's true, I do forgive people easily...especially for the smaller offenses. Especially if they acknowledge in some way that they realize they did something stupid. This can be anything from a sheepish tone to actually saying sorry. As long as I feel like it's sincere, that's all it takes. Often the offense is the symptom of a much deeper problem on their side anyway, and they have to live with whatever that is every day.
I forgive you for what you did to me, but how can I forgive you for what you did to yourself?
- Friedrich Nietzsche
I think the main reason that I do this is certainly not out of fear of confrontation or because I don't care, but because I would sooner make up and get over it than drag it out. Resentment is a waste of energy and I don't like to bring unnecessary negativity into my life. You can't control how people think and act, and you can't make decisions for others, all you can do is tell them how you feel about their actions and hope that your words have an impact on them. If someone really didn't mean to do whatever it was or regrets their actions, then great, learn from it and let's all move on.
Resentment is like a glass of poison that a man drinks; then he sits down and waits for his enemy to die. - Unknown
People make mistakes. They misjudge. They take the easy way out. And sometimes it goes deeper than that. People act on their own self doubt and lack of self-acceptance. They manifest negative outcomes by assuming that positive outcomes are impossible.
Men will lie on their backs, talking about the fall of man, and never make an effort to get up. - Henry David Thoreau
To me, choosing not to forgive someone who obviously regrets their mistakes is the easy way out. It means not having to come to terms with someone disappointing you. It means you can feel superior and judge them. It means not having to dig deeper and figure out why someone does or says something that you disagree with. And I truly believe that an inability to forgive others is rooted in an inability to forgive and have compassion for ourselves.
It is very easy to forgive others their mistakes; it takes more grit and gumption to forgive them for having witnessed your own. - Jessamyn West
But if you think about it, is there anything positive that comes out of not forgiving? I'm not saying that there's not a motivation to hold on to resentment, of course there are many. But they are not reasons that help you along the path towards being a more compassionate and positive person.
It is his capacity for self-improvement and self-redemption which most distinguishes man from the mere brute. - Aung San Suu Kyi
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. - Lewis B. Smedes
Hate is a horrible feeling, and resentment can overcome you. To forgive someone, you have to dig deep and figure out a way to care about someone who has wronged you, and to have compassion for them. To care more about their growth and peace than your own ego.
Hell is yourself and the only redemption is when a person puts himself aside to feel deeply for another person. - Tennessee Williams
Forgiveness breaks the chain of causality because he who forgives you - out of love - takes upon himself the consequences of what you have done. Forgiveness, therefore, always entails a sacrifice. - Dag Hammarskjold
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. - Mahatma Gandhi
Finding a way to let go of resentment is truly freeing. It puts you in control of your interpretations and emotions surrounding situations that you have no control over. Choosing compassion over resentment frees up space in your life for more good to come in.
You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well. - Lewis B. Smedes
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. - Jalal ad-Din Rumi
The thing is, we're all human. Humans are full of faults. Sure, pick good people to surround yourself with, pick the best. But even the best will let you down at some point, and if you cannot learn to forgive them, you will eventually find yourself very lonely.
The offender never pardons. - George Herbert
If one by one we counted people out
For the least sin, it wouldn't take us long
To get so we had no one left to live with.
For to be social is to be forgiving.
- Robert Frost
I'm not saying I've forgiven everyone who has wronged me in my life, nor that they deserve it. But I know that resentment and hate are poisonous, and I want to strive to banish them from my life. The only way that I have been able to do this is through cultivating compassion, trying to look at people as individuals, and letting go of expectations. Expectations and taking people's behaviours as personal assaults (when they are not directed toward you) are just a recipe for disappointment and distance.
Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength. - August Wilson
Letting go of resentment can be incredibly challenging, but it is a freedom more satisfying than holding on to it could ever be. Be strong and challenge yourself to be compassionate. Forgive yourself and others, and love will follow.
This was so incredibly timely
This was so incredibly timely Ariane, you have no idea. I've been having a lot of the same thoughts myself, and talking with friends about how exactly you can get to that compassionate place when it's sometimes hard. But I've seen how holding onto resentment in your own life merely leads you to attract others who are resentful, and will hurt you, and repeat the cycle. We should talk more about this in person!
Great thoughts. When we fail
Great thoughts. When we fail to forgive, we imprison ourselves not the other person. When we forgive, it is ourselves that are freed from troublesome thoughts and feelings.
wow, great comments
wow, great comments :-)
@ryan it feels so counterintuitive but it's so true
@reilly it is SOOOO hard - i've been struggling with it a lot when it comes to bigger betrayals but that is why i've been thinking so much about this stuff. but it totally does just hurt yourself when you hold onto it. we should have a "salon" on forgiveness some night. ;-)
ariane, thanks for sharing
ariane,
thanks for sharing your thinking on these extremely resonant subjects. it's so hard to let go of hurt and move on, but the rewards for doing so are so huge. thanks for reaffirming my own commitment to living with compassion.
aw thx, my pleasure susie,
aw thx, my pleasure susie, it's funny the posts i feel are the most self-indulgent blathery ones tend to shock me by being the ones that actually resonate with people!
i don't think that there are
i don't think that there are only two options- resentment or compassion. there's a third- that's to choose not to care anymore. there are plenty of people in my life whom i have forgiven for hurting me, but there are also a few people who have really cut me to the quick. i'm not ready to forgive those people. so i choose to ignore, for the most part, the things they've done and the memories of what they did. those people are not deserving of my compassion or my forgiveness. but choosing not to forgive them in no way makes me a less loving person.
i don't think forgiveness is necessary. having compassion and love for others is, yes, but maybe not forgiveness. being unforgiving also doesn't infer that you are spiteful or hateful, it's not black and white like that. perhaps a better way to look at this wouldn't be to find comfort in forgiving the other person for hurting you, but to find comfort in forgiving yourself for making any and all mistakes in associating with the other person. forgiveness is closely tied with acceptance and freedom, but you don't have to be accepting of anyone but yourself. if you can love yourself, you can be free.
stephanies, those are some
stephanies, those are some really interesting perspectives - i certainly agree with the idea of "find[ing] comfort in forgiving yourself for making any and all mistakes in associating with the other person." because you're right, sometimes the other person doesn't *deserve* being forgiven.
*but* personally i have not found any peace in forgetting those people who have hurt me the most, because i can't inflict amnesia on myself, i never do really forget them, and it festers somewhere in the back of my mind.
maybe it's a totally selfish act of forgiveness (and forgetting might work well for some people), but for me i really feel like it's the only way i can truly put those hurts to rest.
This is wonderfully written
This is wonderfully written Ariane, and a sumptuous meal of food for thought.
None of us are ever as good at forgiveness as we like to think we are. I think it's something that has to be relearned all the time because life is constantly throwing new situations our way to test the limits of forgiveness - both of self and of others.
Forgiveness IS a battle against holding onto negative feelings that are destructive to self, but letting go is one of the hardest things to do. Human beings tend to live their lives caught up reliving the past in their minds, and it's usually the negative rather than the positive we all focus on.
indeed and i *hate* getting
indeed and i *hate* getting stuck in thinking about negative crap from the past, especially if it is now something i have no power to change in the present. it's hard, but so good when you can get there.
Ariane, Nicely written
Ariane,
Nicely written posting. I've often thought about resentment and its repercussions. You've been able to find some great quotes to support your ideology. As you know, resentment is a challenge that everyone needs to go through at some point in their lives. Some work through it and forgive and others live with added baggage.
Someone intelligent once told me that the “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” quote is something they use often in Alcoholics Anonymous. They also say it's not the alcohol that kills you it's the resentment.
Sounds like you've been doing some serious life learning.
Thanks Haig - I think after a
Thanks Haig - I think after a while you have to decide whether it's more important to you to keep the anger or to be free of it. Sounds like an obvious choice, but when it comes down to it, it's never that straight forward, it's usually a lot easier to hold onto it.
Well said ! I've been told
Well said !
I've been told repeatedly that I forgive to easily . In fact unconditional love and forgiveness seems to be a source of stress for many people . At the same time you where writing this my best friend was trying to pound into my head that this kinda behavior was unhealthy ( not only for me but for her as well ). I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one with these thoughts .
Forgiving is not forgetting. It's letting go of the hurt.
BTW , You bike and you use quotes from Nietzsche and Gandhi ! I think my heart just skipped . :)
PS. The White Stripes
PS.
The White Stripes <3
Flight - "Forgiving is not
Flight - "Forgiving is not forgetting. It’s letting go of the hurt." exactly!
If it's any consolation, I'm not a hardcore cyclist and I had to look those quotes up. ;-)
(ps. do I know you?)
No you don't know me , I
No you don't know me , I stumbled to this page (your under bicycling ).
And your honest ... I like that as well.
Aw, thanks! And thank you
Aw, thanks!
And thank you for solving the mystery that has been plaguing me for a month or so! I knew all of a sudden I was getting a ton of traffic from stumbled but couldn't find any evidence of why! That's rad! :-)
Here is a quote from one of
Here is a quote from one of my favorite blogger's (this is before Flight was born )
“What about justice, what about revenge?”
Believe me, there is no greater punishment for a Wrong Doer than a happy, successful YOU.
Your success is ultimately their failure!
http://buddhaofhollywood.blogspot.com/2009/05/power-of-forgiveness.html
hah. as long as you're not
hah. as long as you're not just doing it as revenge! ;-)
Absolutely beautiful!
Absolutely beautiful!
Post new comment