Love

So, what have I been up to the last couple months? You know how it goes... Drupal, work, Drupal, work... and then Bruno arriving here to stay for the entire summer!

He arrived just over a month ago and will be here until August when we go visit his family in Belgium and then go to Drupalcon in London. The plan after that is that he'll be coming back to Vancouver again, and then we've got a window of about six weeks to hopefully figure out something more long-term, ie. getting a work visa or extending his visit if that's possible.

It's been a loooong time since I've lived with a boyfriend, but it has been going remarkably well! We'd talked a lot about our living habits before he came back here in April, and I had good feeling about it - and it's proved to be a very easy transition (maybe aside from his being far more of a morning person, but really most people don't need to sleep as much as me, so that's to be expected - plus he's stealth quiet!)

We've managed to have some good getting to know Vancouver time (despite me feeling so-so, up and down) - Drupal meetups, coworking, swimming, farmers markets, and even hosted our first Drupal Hackternoon! My parents were supposed to come out to visit and meet him last week but ended up having to postpone, so hopefully that will be in the cards sometime in the summer. And we had a brief visit with my friend Evan who came to visit from Saskatoon - he and I grew up next door to each other, basically our whole lives until finishing highschool. It was his first trip to Vancouver - he was here for a bachelor's party, and flew out a day early to visit!

Aside from planning a few little trips here and there through the summer, we'll be continuing to get settled into living together and generally enjoying finally being together after so many months of skyping and emailing and two week visits! 

So first, a little catch up from before my last posts... back in June, I went to Saskatoon for a weekend to go to the wedding of one of my next door neighbours from where I grew up. The Sulatyski family lived next door to me my entire Saskatoon-life (plus a couple years after I moved to Vancouver), and are like my second family... sometimes I feel like I grew up more Ukrainian than any other culture!

The middle kid from the family, Markian, (who's a year older than me, on the right in the photo below) got married to his lovely now-wife Emily. The wedding was out on Emily's family's acreage outside the city. It was beautiful outside for the ceremony, and then right before dinner there was a CRAZY flash storm - pouring rain, wind, lightning... a big gust came up and tried to pick up the big party tent just like in one of those crazy home videos. Everyone jumped up and held down the tent for about a half hour till the storm passed. Lots of excitement, then it calmed down and we had a great evening.

I love, love, love seeing my old neighbourhood crew, I spent so many summers hanging out with these boys (Evan on the left is the youngest brother, and their cousin Chris is in the middle). I also got to see their older step-sister who I hadn't seen in well over a decade, and it was awesome catching up with her (especially because she convinced me to try and make it to Evan's wedding which was just last weekend, even though it was really close to getting back from my big summer trip).

Then, the end of July was completely absorbed with moving into my new place. That's right, no more West End Girl here... I've moved out to East Van and am loving it here. It's quiet, I have a ton of space, and am closer to friends (and really not much further from work). It's been a lot of work getting moved in here while not being home a lot this summer, but it's going to be a great place to be for the next while.

Then, a couple weeks after moving in, I took off for my first trip to Europe! I'll just start by saying it was as great as I could have hoped, and I now feel like a relatively competent overseas traveller.

The first place I went for a week and a half was Copenhagen (photos), where DrupalCon was held. I wanted to go last year to Paris, but then my boss was having a baby at the same time, so I decided to stay and help hold down the fort at work instead. So, this year was my year, and a huge bonus that it was in Copenhagen, which was somewhere I really wanted to go (after studying urban geography for so long).

It was a great city (as full of bikes as you can dream), and I stayed in a gorgeous apartment in the center of town that I rented with Scott, Sam, and Rok. Rok's girlfriend Tamara came for the first weekend as well, which was lovely as it was all of our first time meeting her. I had virtually no jetlag going over (probably largely thanks to splurging for an upgraded ticket on the way over), and had a great time wandering around the first few days.

DrupalCon was awesome as always - I went to the Core Dev Summit (which I'd missed when I went to San Francisco's DrupalCon in the spring, thanks to being sick), and it was one of my favourite parts of the trip. I got some traveler tummy halfway through the week, and missed the last day, but all in all it was absolutely fantastic. (You can read more about my DrupalCon adventure here if you are interested/nerdy.)

And I loved Copenhagen - good food, neat shops, really pretty city. It definitely had its own vibe and style - everyone was so sophisticated, well dressed, and the stereotype did hold true, a lot of tall, nordic, good looking people!

At the end of the trip, Scott, Sam, and I had to say goodbye to Rok, who was going back home, and we hopped on a train to our next destination: Berlin.

Berlin (photos) got off to a rough start when I left my backpack (containing my laptop, digital camera, prescription sunglasses, and medication) on the last leg of the train. Yes, really. I spent the first few days trying to see if I could find my bag, frustratingly trying to talk to the right people in german (thank dog I speak a little bit, as middle aged government service people there sure as heck don't speak much english). Luckily, all of the annoying trips back and forth to the train station, and phone calls of broken german proved worthwhile when on our last full day there I got my bag back! Go-go german lost and found system! 

The only thing missing was my little digital camera (and the photos I'd taken at the conference), as well as my cell phone's USB cable (which I believe the thief mistakenly took, thinking it belonged with the camera). Can you believe they took just that and not my laptop??? Me neither. I was so stoked to have the rest back that I was happy to cut my losses. My only guess is that they opened my laptop and saw it was password protected, and so left it alone... Needless to say, the rest of the photos in this post (and on Flickr) are all cell-phone photography. But I did have my film SLR with me as well, so there will be more to come when I get those developed.

That last day in Berlin was great - I did some shopping in Prenzlauer Berg, a hip area of the city north of the hostel we stayed at. Then after the second trip of the day to the other side of city, when I actually got my bag back, I took the "tourist" city bus line and saw a bunch of stuff, including the Berlinner Dome church, which I went inside. It was totally beautiful.

Aside from cool shopping and sights, I have to say, Berlin had by far the best Ariane-friendly grocery stores! It was amazing, all the grocers I went to were full of gluten-free this and dairy-free that. And omg the soy yogurt in Europe is DELICIOUS. They are doing it wrong over here. What I would give to be able to get that stuff here...

After Berlin, we had a final day of train rides - we didn't know ahead, but the last train was a crazy fast train! (Pardon Scott's head blocking the photo...) It did make me a bit nauseous compared to the normal trains, but we went up to 327km/hr!!!! SO FAST. SO COOL!!! Walking down the aisle when we'd go down any small hills, it felt like I was about to levitate. Glad I got to ride one afterall.

And our final destination was Paris (photos) for the last couple days before heading home. I think I have some more photos from there on my phone (can't download em without my cable, but S & S have a card reader when they get back from visiting Scott's brother out in New Brunswick), and on the film, but nothing too stellar other than photos from the plant shops near Notre Dame (which I kind of botched finding) for now. 

Paris is a huge city! The weather was fantastic there, and I had a great time wandering around while S & S were out sightseeing. Highlights were a private opera concert at night at the Louvre, delicious chocolate, talking to the owner of this great jazz/classical music shop, shopping, and eating at La Ferme (this delicious and really pleasant veg-friendly cafe I found my last day there).

The day of travel home and resulting jetlag was probably the worst part, so I can't complain. All in all, a fantastic and victorious first overseas trip, and bonus getting some quality time with some of my favourite friends and Drupallers from all over the world.

Finally, a couple weeks after getting back (and surviving a terrible but short-lived stomach flu), it was time for one last adventure out to Edmonton for Evan (youngest brother from next door) and Jaime's wedding. I am so, so, so glad that I went in the end. Sure, I was pretty wiped out, but dammit I love those guys, and it was so nice getting to spend some more time with them. Everyone stayed in the hotel there, so we saw a lot of each other, and didn't have to go running all over town (sidenote: parts of Edmonton seem pretty cool, I almost want to go back to explore). Can't believe my little brother-from-another-mother is a married man now, we're all grown up!

I also got to see his big sis, Elana, for the first time since she became a momma herself (right around when Markian's wedding was), she's a superstar, what can I say!

(And this last photo, I just thought was cool enough to post, taken the night before the wedding while we were hanging out watching the Riders game.)

This weekend, I finally get to myself, to rest and catch up some more on finishing my move-in. Next weekend is the last hurrah in the string of events that I've been working my way through, finally the much anticipated PNW Drupal Summit (which I've been helping a tiny bit with organizing). There's people coming from all over the PNW (Pacific Northwest) and further afield, and I've got three of my favourite Drupal gals coming to stay at the house for the weekend, so it should be a blast. (Oh, and also I'm co-presenting a session as part of my plan to conquer my fear of public speaking...eek!)

After that, no plans till Christmas, which makes me extremely happy! There will be lots of Drupalling, Crafternoons, regaining of social life, and other enjoyment, that is for certain. Life has been better lately, and I have a feeling more good things are on their way in the next little while... ;)

As each challenge in life appears and is confronted, we find ourselves on the other side of it, having either lost or been victorious. Lessons learned, bridges burned, badges earned... We recalibrate, set our compass to a new bearing, and keep moving on to whatever is next. In life and love, I hope and believe that each time we face a challenge, regardless of outcome, if we pay attention and respect the lessons offered, we come out stronger and more in tune with what we need and deserve in the long run.

This is one of my absolute favourite poems, I got it from a gumball machine in Seattle almost 4 years ago.

They are in a dark plum thicket
and she is too far above the ground,
can feel the lift and fall of walking
but is not walking. Beneath her
are the shoulders of a boy
who is willing to carry her for years

but he is unsteady as a shirt
unbuttoned in the wind and she
is like a feather on the surface
of a river with round stones
in its bed. She already knows
he will fall and because she is above
him she will fall further

but that doesn't matter yet, the night
held up all around her
like great bolts of cloth for her choosing

"Before She Decides" by Kelly Madigan Erlandson from Lincoln, Nebraska (originally appeared in Anthology One, Alsop Review Press)

The author of this, Kelly, is a writer and a drug and alcohol counselor in the states. I didn't know that until a couple weeks ago, when after reading the poem many times (it's lived on my corkboard above my desk for years now) it occurred to me to google her name. On a bit of a whim, I sent her an email and she sent me a lovely reply and welcomed me to share the poem here with you all. I hope a few of you enjoy it even a fraction of how much I do.

As I told her, it both reminds me of that trip to Seattle (which ended up being very influential in my eventual move to working with Drupal, as the trip was to attend DrupalCamp Seattle, my first big Drupal event), and says so much about love, independence, suspending better judgment, and the way relationships feel before they start to fall apart.

Weeks like this are tests.  Tests of how much of a load I can bear before I break.  Tests of how much more I can take when I feel like I've long since had enough.  Weeks like this force me to focus on the important things in my life, and be grateful for them.

Three of my favourite people have been in town for a couple months (though it's hardly felt like that long), and are leaving in a week's time.  One returning home, and two continuing on their ongoing adventures.  It is strange caring so much for people whom when they leave, you have no idea when you'll see them again, only that you will.

When I realized it was going to be their last weekend in the city, I couldn't let it go uncelebrated, so I did what I do, which is catalyze.  I said who, what, when, where, and how, and next thing you know everyone is there, and everyone is smiling.  That is the important thing.

Earlier today I didn't think I would be at the dinner, because the last three days I haven't been feeling well.  Who knows why, either I ate something off, or it was a random flareup, what is the difference really?  I was lucky that work wasn't busy this week, and I had time to rest.  I have had a week and a half long bout of insomnia on top of it, reminiscent of my late teens/early 20s that I am not glad to be revisiting, I forgot how draining it is.  And yet, I made it to dinner.

I went home afterwards rather than continuing on with the evening, so that I would have a chance for a better day tomorrow.  Because even when surrounded by people I love, it is just me here at the end of the day, and I have to be able to rely on myself for tomorrow, and all the days after that.

I know it's disappointing for others when I go home early, I know because it's more disappointing for me.  I know I look okay and that it seems like I could stay out, but that is because I am tough, and I hide how bad I'm feeling, and I push myself as hard as I can when I care to, and I put all of the ick on hold for a bit so I can be where I want to be.  So I can do what I want to do.  I push myself hard so that I can feel like this doesn't control me, so that I feel like I am not missing out on everything I would do if this wasn't how things are.

For me, just being there for a bit was good.  It was enough.  Everyone was together and smiling, and then everyone went out and had more fun, and I came home to rest and that is okay.

Days like these, weeks like these, months like these, years like these, I focus on what is important, because that is all there is.

My favourite people in the world, catalyzing smiles, pretty flowers, pretty pictures, music, walks, a cozy bed, a roof over my head, hugs, sunshine, the ocean, compassion, comfort, empathy, love, and being alive.  Those are my important things.  What are yours?

But then I sit down, put some of my thoughts to words
The very second after the thought occurs
And it gives me a second to rest
Relieves what seems to be an insurmountable amount of stress
Piling up at the same rate I shovel it out
Treading water in this world I know nothing about
But never doubt who I am or sell myself short
Of what I'm capable of long as I'm doing what I love
I'll manage, is what I've been taught to my advantage
People trying to bring me down, but they ain't doing no damage
I got my forcefield up with my pen and a pad
Living out each day like it's the best that I've had
And everybody has their reasons
To keep on holding, to keep on believing
And everybody gets the feeling that they really
Could keep on holding on
- DNA6

I don't write too much about dating on here, because lets face it, Vancouver is a small city and everyone knows everyone, and that could just get awkward.  But this is a pretty meta post, so I'm just gonna go for it.

I am done with "dating".

There, I said it.  I've been single for the most part for the last 2.5 years, and at this point I've had my fair share of awkward first dates, and awkward few week to few month long "relationships."  Granted, probably the first 1.5 years of that was that sort of messed up dating where I was still working through everything from the previous relationship and finding myself again.  But the last year and a bit, I have really been in a frame of mind where if I met someone who was also in that place, and we hit it off I could actually see myself being ready for it.

That hasn't happened yet, but in the meantime, I have been meeting new people, testing the waters of what I would call "dating" and keeping an open mind when it comes to different types of people.  Though there have been some great people that I've met, obviously nothing has gotten more serious to a point where I would say someone was actually my "partner" (ugh all these labels are so awkward!).

Anyway, I started feeling like it was just me, that I sucked at dating.  I mean, really this is the first time I've dated to any extent, but it really does feel different than navigating meeting people while in university for instance.  And I started to think about why, and I realized it wasn't me, but dating that sucked!

In school, I feel like because there was such a social vibe all of the time, it was easy to get to know people in a more casual or "friend" context, and actually get a good feel for their personality before even getting to the point where you would consider getting involved on a serious romantic level.  But when I found myself single, in my mid-twenties, living downtown, and working at a small company where I didn't meet a lot of new people, the dynamic was all of a sudden different.

I actually had to put some effort into it if I wanted to stay in touch with new acquaintances or meet people who were outside of my circle of friends.  And it seemed like "dating" was more grown up - that's what you are supposed to do when you're an "adult" right?

But this whole time it just hasn't sat quite right with me.  It has seemed like there is so much pressure, so many expectations, so much miscommunication, so many labels that I haven't been comfortable with.

Then this weekend, a wise friend was the catalyst to my epiphany, which had been brewing for a few weeks but just not quite solidified: I don't believe in "dating."  It doesn't make sense in my world.

There is a reason I used to feel more comfortable getting to know people in school, and why the people I did spend time with were more upfront, honest, and easier to understand.  Why there weren't the same sort of labels, expectations, and assumptions about what spending time together meant.

It was because the first question was always, do I want this person to be my friend?

Friends first sounds cheesy, and can also sound like a lot of effort, but that really is what works.  I want to be able to figure out what someone's about without the pressure of whether or not we're a couple, without having to factor in anyone's expectations of what role their girlfriend is going to fill, and what kind of timeline things will run on.

I'm not saying I'm against having anything physical go on during this getting to know process, and everyone has their own comfort levels and boundaries.  But for me this means not jumping to conclusions: snuggling does not = I'm your girlfriend.  Seeing you a couple times a week does not = I'm your girlfriend.  Calling just to say hi and see how your week was does not = I'm your girlfriend.

For me, that slippery slope of spending time with someone and all of a sudden having to label yourself, so that there is an obvious way you fit into someone's life, is a danger zone.  I believe that it should be a conscious decision, the choice to get into an actual serious, committed "relationship" with someone. And that it shouldn't be done hastily of half-heartedly.

And so, regardless of how grown-up and proper dating is, I am over it.  It doesn't work for me.  It leads to mixed messages, and pressure, and awkwardness.

All I want to do is spend time getting to know people I think are cool, and who feel the same way about me, and if we keep feeling that way once we actually have a grasp on who each other are, the good, the bad, and the ugly, then we can talk about what role we want to have in each others' lives.

The labels, I can take em or leave em.  Actions speak louder than words, and they don't mean jack to me.

Sayonara "dating," good riddance to you, I am movin on.